So it’s goodbye to all this….

…and welcome to the new blog.

Rot in Hell: Jesus Christ damned for dangerous Christian views!

UK Christians have labelled “dangerous” and “naive”, an announcement by supernatural messiah Jesus Christ that he is planning to manifest at the migrant refugee camp in Calais later this year.

Calais comes home: UKIP rejoice!

Foreign Ministries across Europe were today stunned by news that France will, with immediate effect, hand Calais back to the United Kingdom.

This appears to be a response to the latest random outburst from UKIP MEP and professional bigot, Roger Helmer, who tweeted: “Calais was British until 1558. Maybe it’s time to take it back”.

Lorry crisis: Kent closes borders to Surrey, Sussex, London

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Kent may next week close its borders to neighbouring counties, in a last ditch attempt to protect their county from “swarms” of lorries that have infiltrated the M2 and brought terror to the outskirts of Paddock Wood.

Dentist schools conservationists: swap stats for cute and cuddly

Following global outrage over the killing of Cecil the loveable lion, animal conservationists today admitted that all previous campaigns had been a mistake – and in future they would be swapping scientific argument for pictures of kittens in their attempts to save the planet’s wildlife.

At a special press conference convened to announce this about turn, a spokesman for just about every animal conservation organisation ever told the world’s media: “We got it wrong.

Extinction

“We mistakenly believed that some people actually cared about biodiversity and the fact that over 10,000 species are going extinct each and every year as a direct result of human activity.

“Some of our wackier scientists even attempted to explain to CNN reporters that this rate of loss is least a thousand times higher than the natural extinction rate, and the Earth is on the brink of its sixth mass extinction event, after which the only creatures left alive will be homo sapiens and a species of mutant cockroach.

Fools

“We now realise that if animals want protection, they need to adopt cute and quirky Disney names, grow a long fluffy mane, and make friends with their local community.

“After all, who would dare gun down a deer called Bambi or a rabbit named Thumper?

The spokesperson continued: “It is true that this may not work for all animals. Snakes and mosquitoes will find it hard to look cuddly. And there is no excuse for grey squirrels. Ever.

“However, we have this morning taken the first steps towards implementing this new approach by naming all rats Ben: and in a dramatic effort to prevent further deforestation, Greenpeace is negotiating with the local church to have the Amazon rain forest christened Dennis.”

Toothbrush

Rumours that animal conservationists were now paying a Minnesota dentist a six-figure sum to stir up public outrage by shooting large photogenic mammals were, however, hotly denied.

Note: Graphic image above is taken from Eurostat and is an image of all common, common farmland and common forest birds in the EU from Jan 2014. The cute lion cub is from the Washington National Zoo and is attributed to ArtBrom under a Creative Commons License. If i have either of those wrong, please let me know!

Some Nazi silliness – and some seriousness

It can be difficult, at times, to write seriously about Nazis and Nazism. Not only because so much about them, from ludicrous goose-stepping to Chaplin moustache, is utterly ridiculous: but also because i grew up with the humour of those who lived through the War.

Not just Spike Milligan, whose persistent ridiculing of Herr Fuhrer contributed richly to his comedy …but my gran, who survived the Blitz over here, and my father, who literally lost home and country abroad as a direct result of Nazi invasion. All three, in their different ways, took the piss.

Still, on the day that David Cameron presumes to lecture us on “British values”, there is a serious point to be made around Nazi salutes and “British values”.

Film review: Terminator Genisys

Arnie is back! And though he may be old he is definitely not obsolete. Although as Terminator Genisys progresses, he does grow ever more creaky.

Film review: Minions

Minions, which ought properly to be sub-titled “Any colour so long as its yellow” is a zany, impossible, ever-so-slightly patchy comic tale of dastardly villains, daring deeds – and bananas. Located in 1968, alongside a mostly contemporary 60’s soundtrack, this is good-natured prequel, providing back story to how our little lemon-tinted heroes came to work for Gru, arch-villain of the Despicable Me franchise.

Film review: Mr Holmes

Don’t get me wrong: i like my entertainment light, trivial and frothy. Which is why i so enjoy cinema.

Whether it is Schwarzenneger with the fantastical notion that through science and technology, it is possible to re-create a being who looks exactly the same as when he first appeared on our screens 30 years ago. Or Channing Tatum, likewise attempting to breathe fresh life into a part first seen on-screen in 2012, in Magic Mike 2. Or just the sheer giggle-a-minute comedy of Minions, i love them all.

Film review: Jurassic World

Incredible! Unbelievable! No, not the technical gee-whizzery that sits behind the latest in the seemingly neverending saga of dinosaurs reborn. Because for all i know, somewhere in the world, at this very moment, a bunch of bio-geniuses are working on just such a project.

No: what is truly beyond belief is the basic premise that the motley assortment of hunters, adventurers, and mad scientists assembled at the start of Jurassic World could possibly think it a good idea to start making dinosaurs again

Or that any insurance company anywhere might be prepared to back such a venture.