Following global outrage over the killing of Cecil the loveable lion, animal conservationists today admitted that all previous campaigns had been a mistake – and in future they would be swapping scientific argument for pictures of kittens in their attempts to save the planet’s wildlife.
At a special press conference convened to announce this about turn, a spokesman for just about every animal conservation organisation ever told the world’s media: “We got it wrong.
“We mistakenly believed that some people actually cared about biodiversity and the fact that over 10,000 species are going extinct each and every year as a direct result of human activity.
“Some of our wackier scientists even attempted to explain to CNN reporters that this rate of loss is least a thousand times higher than the natural extinction rate, and the Earth is on the brink of its sixth mass extinction event, after which the only creatures left alive will be homo sapiens and a species of mutant cockroach.
“We now realise that if animals want protection, they need to adopt cute and quirky Disney names, grow a long fluffy mane, and make friends with their local community.
“After all, who would dare gun down a deer called Bambi or a rabbit named Thumper?
The spokesperson continued: “It is true that this may not work for all animals. Snakes and mosquitoes will find it hard to look cuddly. And there is no excuse for grey squirrels. Ever.
“However, we have this morning taken the first steps towards implementing this new approach by naming all rats Ben: and in a dramatic effort to prevent further deforestation, Greenpeace is negotiating with the local church to have the Amazon rain forest christened Dennis.”
Rumours that animal conservationists were now paying a Minnesota dentist a six-figure sum to stir up public outrage by shooting large photogenic mammals were, however, hotly denied.
Note: Graphic image above is taken from Eurostat and is an image of all common, common farmland and common forest birds in the EU from Jan 2014. The cute lion cub is from the Washington National Zoo and is attributed to ArtBrom under a Creative Commons License. If i have either of those wrong, please let me know!