I really, really should not be posting this. What you are about to read is totally utterly irresponsible and, as a one-time party agent and committee room organiser i can only deprecate anyone so much as tempted to treat the following as advice.
Still, if you ARE fed up with the electoral tedium already, below are some hints at how you may decide to exact revenge on the party organisation you least like.
And anyway: what the hell!
On the knocker
Sometimes canvassers arrive. If you are not planning to vote for their party you might:
– send them away
– tell them in no uncertain terms you are not voting for them
1. Invite them in
2. Explain you just want them to discuss some particularly abstract point of policy: site-value rating is a good one. Unless you’re talking to the LibDems.
3. Leave room suddenly with “there’s a document here that explains it all”
4. Rummage for five minutes: fail to find document
5. Apologise profusely: ask if maybe the candidate can come back and explain in person.
6. Add that you are undecided, but a visit from the candidate could swing it for them.
7. Take loads of material, leaflets.
8. Promise to deliver the leaflets locally: bin them!
9. Take posters…later explain you put them up but had to take them down…because threats from neighbours/local BNP/llamas
Never, ever state categorically that you aren’t voting for their party. Unless, that is, you don’t want to see them ever again
On polling day
11. Arrange for a car to take you to the polling station: make sure the car belongs to a party you are NOT going to vote for! Insist you need at least two people to help you in and out
12. For first appointment, be out.
13. Five minutes after car leaves, phone, apologise profusely…request car again.
14. Repeat once/twice according to naivety of local party organisation
15. When car finally links up with you: walk slowly and with a lymnp (its pronounced limp!)
16. Get stuck getting in/out of car.
17. At polling station, feign incontinence, fainting, a n other medical emergency. Insist the party workers stay with you or else!
18. Get into their car and…refuse to get out!
Note of caution
The sooner you tell a canvasser that you hate everything about their party, their dog and their personal hygiene, the sooner they will depart your premises and never darken your door again. Because what canvassers are looking for is certainty: and if they are sure you are NOT going to vote for them, then they will cross you off their list.
Which is why the tactics above waste time: because they know that elections will be won/lost in the ranks of the undecided.
Beware the “engaging canvasser” who actually wants to start a conversation: the one who actually asks you questions about POLICY! Before you know it, you will have expressed an interest in windfarms or tax breaks or immigration, thereby opening the door for more canvassers to return at some later date.
And if canvassers do return, be patient with them.
You may think its a shitty job, and they would be better off spending a bit more time with their family. But, like the selling of PPI compensation, someone has to do it.
Above all, do not emulate the weary voter in the Bermondsey by-election (1983) who, it is told, was so sick of the unending stream of canvassers knocking on his door that he unceremoniously decked the 8th, or possibly 9th individual – one very unlucky member of the Conservative party – to knock inquiring politely after his views on the forthcoming election in a single evening.