Now here’s a thing…the current debate on “trans deception” seems to have driven a small but odious posse of men out of the woodwork to explain why they’d have to hit any “guy with a dick” that came near them with sex in mind. They also seem very keen to appropriate the idea that this would be rape.
I’m not impressed.
Nah…I’m really unimpressed because at base, their argument, repeated loudly and ad nauseam, is this. I don’t like it. I’m not actually going to do anything to stop it happening. But i absolutely demand the right to hit, beat up, maim anyone i hold responsible for what happens to me. Because, of course, it ain’t my fault and i am not ever, ever, to blame for what i do with my genitals.
Male rape is a terrible thing
Let’s start with a point that needs to be made. Male rape – as in a guy getting grabbed and held down and buggered or whatever else their assailant does – is pretty awful. It’s rape. It’s traumatic. And it needs to come out of the closet a bit more – because, of course, there is tremendous social pressure in some quarters for men never to admit such a thing has happened to them. That needs to change.
Its different for men…
Second – and here i am indebted to Marina S (@marstrina) for underlining this. Rape is both the same and different for men. Because yes: when one is talking about brute force and imposition of one person’s will on another by violence, there’s a lot in common between the rape of men and the rape of women…but once you get into subtler territory – issues of consent, f’rinstance – the dynamic changes, and it is the framework within which consent is demanded, including social convention and pressure, that matters.
Men have power that women don’t.
And here’s the nub. I’ve seen several guys posting about how much “sex with a tranny” icks them out. OK. I get that. There’s loads of sex stuff that icks ME out – and if someone suggested doing it, i’d say no thank you.
There’s stuff i’d say no to in the heat of the moment. And there’s stuff that i’d be so definite about that i might mention it before anyone – male or female – got within a million miles of the inside of my knickers.
Let me repeat that: i would mention it. I would tell my prospective partner what i did not consent to, would not consent to…and i would not expect them to spend the next 4 hours trying to wheedle me into doing it.
And then, since sometimes a person might lie about what i just asked, that’s a thing. That’s most definitely a thing, and i’d consider my consent absolutely negated by that lie.
That’s also the most difficult point in the current debate: how to deal with a situation where one person feels lied to and the other person doesn’t consider they’ve lied.
But still, that doesn’t unpick the logic here.
These guys, however, are so icked out by the idea of sleeping with a trans woman that they claim that it would make them feel raped. And it would justify them responding with violence.
It has been suggested to them that there is a simple solution to this, if it really is so traumatic to them: mention it. Speak up. Ask. Tell. FFS…there are a hundred different ways of putting the question without putting the question.
And consensus is that most trans women would respect that.
Its about men getting sex, stoopid!
But this they can’t/won’t do. The worstest excuse going is that if you outright asked a cis woman if she were trans she’d walk away (sub-text: and therefore the guy wouldn’t get sex that night).
The assumptions behind that are appalling. Because if they’re so sensitive and so incapable of asking without being tactless, maybe they shouldn’t be out dating at all. Certainly, they aren’t displaying much in the ways of communication skills.
And bottom line: as far as they are concerned, its about pressing all the right buttons so that they get to have sex. Its not about even remotely relating to the person they have sex with as a person. Its objectification, pure and simple.
In the end, this debate is opening my eyes. I haven’t made my mind up on some stuff yet…but i’m getting closer…and for that i am indebted to a number of women i’ve spoken to over the last few days.
And its also opening my eyes to the petulance, the arrogance, the sheer sense of entitlement behind male violence. Which i guess i always knew about, but have, of late, had extra reason to watch out for.
Ugh! Just ugh!